Pictures of myself that I hated.

Just like almost all of my other body image posts, this one has been in "draft" mode for a LONG time. I figured now was the right time to publish it after posting a picture of me and Scott on Instagram and Facebook recently.

I think the picture I posted was taken in 2012. I posted it because it was funny that we had a picture flexing in Costco. We've been going there every week for YEARS. I didn't really pay much attention to US in the picture at first. After posting it, I started looking at it more closely and some of the body image issues I've had started to creep back in so I'm finally publishing this post. Since this Costco picture was taken a lot has changed. I don't know exactly when this picture was taken or what I weighed at the time but I would guess I'm about 15 pounds heavier right now. The picture in Costco was taken either right before or right after a photo shoot I was training for. My training and nutrition were ON POINT. My life revolved around it but my life doesn't revolve around that anymore.

But just like when I posted the picture below over the summer (I weighed around 147 pounds in this picture), it doesn't matter how small I am nothing seems to be good enough. I'm going to share a few pictures that I've absolutely hated for one reason or another. I've even added a big ol arrow to point out what I hated.

Before you read further >>>> read my original post on my body image issues.

So, just to emphasize...there's approximately a 17-pound weight difference between these two photos. Sure, some is muscle but not all.

Keep in mind that a person of ANY size can struggle with this. I've heard from people from size 0-20 who have body image issues. So just because you think someone has the "perfect body" or they are the "right" size or weight, doesn't mean that they don't also have body image issues.

The picture below was taken in Canyonlands National Park in 2015. I obsessed over the little bit of "fat" that you could see coming over the strap on my pack.

These next few pictures were taken in 2014 I think. Those love handles...I even posted about this picture in my first body image post.

And the stomach...

Again, that extra skin over my swimsuit bottoms...

Another one from Canyonlands National Park where my fat is hanging over my pack.

Oh and this one. My hips are just way too big. And that little roll under my right butt cheek?! End of the world.

These two I had my shirt on because of the fat on my stomach, not because I was cold.

Honestly, it helps me to write all of this out. I also want you to know that if you are struggling you are not alone. I had body image issues when I was 127 pounds and when I was 147 pounds, and everything in between.

Please take the time to read through the resources below if you also struggle with body image issues.

• How Getting Into Fitness Ruined My Body Image
• Stories From My Scale (Why You Need to Ditch Yours For Good!)
• 5 Things I Did to Achieve My Dream Body
• 5 Reasons Why You Aren't Achieving Your Dream Body
• 5 Things We've Done to Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle 5+ Years

Body Image Ramblings...

I posted this on my personal Facebook page and I debated all weekend whether or not I should share it here as well. I’m going to go ahead and do it…plus, two posts in one day is like unheard of for me. ;-) Check out our post on what your fitness journey has in common with MLB players (even if you don't like baseball!).

First, I want to make something clear. I'm not saying that it's bad to lose weight or try to lean out. It's the persuit of perfection once someone is already lean and/or their ideal weight, size, look, energy level, etc. to keep losing or trying to lose weight for the wrong reasons. I also (obviously) think that everyone should strive to live a healthy lifestyle. I know I've mentioned some of this stuff before in my body image posts (here, here, and here) but felt the need to share it again because of what I'm going through in my life right now.

So, here's the post I shared on my personal profile (you can find our He and She Eat Clean page here):

I’ve had a few people ask me why I don’t post very much fitness stuff on this (personal) page anymore. This is probably going to turn into a one-million-word “answer” but here it goes…I should have said something years ago.

Honestly, I’m kind of pulled in a million directions, mentally. If you follow He and She Eat Clean or our WHAM Podcast, you probably already know this but I’m kind of strange. I am NOT a people pleaser and I never have been. I also NEVER had body image issues growing up. Sure, I wasn’t very confident (but that was mainly because I was like a size 6 with size F chest as a 14 year old) but I didn’t hate myself and I never, ever critiqued my body. Now that’s all I do. News Flash – I’m not a size 2 anymore, I haven’t been in years and I was only that size for maybe 2 weeks. But mentally I think that’s the picture that people have of me so I feel like a fraud that I’m not. I won’t even wear our shirts to the gym and many people don’t even know what I do. I know this may sound crazy to some of you but that’s how hard this is mentally to me.

I’ll have people tell me that I have their “dream body” or some “dream” body part but it doesn’t matter – that isn’t what I see. Lately, because of some very stressful months, the pants I’ve worn for the last 4 years are a little tighter than they used to be and it’s like the end of the world. This all goes back to the mental struggle of I’m NOT a people pleaser, I actually am quite the opposite and I’m very introverted. This industry is more than I can take sometimes. I can’t handle the endless selfies, butt pics, ab pics, PICTURES WITH COFFEE…seriously, I can’t handle it. I am still passionate about fitness but not the type of online fitness we see. I could make A LOTTTTTTTT more money (sell more workout plans, etc) if I “dieted down” to post half naked pictures online, shared a ton of pictures, pushed a ton of supplements, and basically fell into the online fitness world but I WILL NOT DO IT. I would rather be climbing mountains.

Call me crazy, but before entering this “fitness world” I didn’t even know that I should be ashamed of my stretch marks (yes, I have stretch marks on my hips and I don’t even have kids…), I didn’t know what a thigh gap was, I didn’t know that you should be able to see my abs, I didn’t know that I should worry about what size I wore.

Just know that some of the people you see who you think have your dream body or “look very healthy” are actually some of the unhealthiest people you will EVER meet. Not just physically but also mentally. This picture we now see of “health” is so distorted. You don’t need to have less than 15% body fat, weigh 120 pounds, be a size 0, etc. These competitors and fitness models go months or even years without having a period because their body fat is so low. Then their lives spiral out of control and they have medical issues caused from extreme dieting and/or exercising. I’m not a doctor, I’m only a personal trainer, but I get a TON of emails from people looking for help after competing or even just trying to get really lean for no reason and now they have messed up their metabolism. I get emails from people leaner/smaller than me asking for MY help to make them even smaller. It breaks my heart.

All of this to say, PLEASE if you have a healthy relationship with food and exercise DO NOT CHANGE. If you are not overweight or unhealthy, you DO NOT need to lose weight. I can tell you, once you start down this pursuit of perfection path it is very hard to get off. We are constantly bombarded from social media and the media with images of what we think we should look like. Whether you think you do or not, you compare yourself to them. And if you have kids, especially girls, PLEASE do not let them see you weigh yourself or comment about your body in front of them.

So, I still run our website (sometimes, haha) but I’m also incorporating a lot more of our minimalism, finance, and hiking related posts. I’m still passionate about health and fitness but I’m passionate about SENSIBLE health and fitness. Do you want a piece of pizza? EAT IT, just not every single day. Do you want to skip the gym and lay on the couch to watch TV? DO IT, just not every single day. Your mental health is more important than some body you are chasing. You also do NOT have to earn your food. You are allowed to eat even if you didn’t workout. Again, you ARE allowed to eat even if you didn’t workout. There is so much more to life than counting calories, macros, points, reps, weight, etc.

I realize there are much bigger problems in the world but do you realize how many females (and males) are walking around with mental health and/or body image issues? Who appear perfectly fine on the outside? It was never a struggle I understood until going through it. I always thought it was something that you could “get over” but now I know how hard it is. And I’m very thankful that I haven’t had body image issues my entire life like most people.

Do you remember how simple life was before social media? I could not imagine having kids grow up in this world. I really just want to move to the middle of nowhere Montana and live in a tiny house.

“Be who you are. Not who the world wants you to be.”
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

Social MEdia & The Fitness Industry

I've somehow found the courage to finally post this. I've been hesitating because it does have a negative tone and I try to remain positive but also remain real so I'm hitting "publish". We also just released our newest podcast on Social Media so now is the time.

To be completely open and honest, I broke down a few weekends ago but it has been a long time coming. I just started crying and telling Scott exactly how I felt. I even said I don't even want this website anymore and if I could snap my fingers and have it be a "finance/saving money" website I would. Don't get me wrong, I am still passionate about health and fitness. But I'm passionate about sensible health and fitness...not the typical "health and fitness" you see online now. Health and fitness to me doesn't equate to a six pack or a competition trophy but that seems to be all anyone cares about. Sometimes it's just too much mentally. He told me that I need to post about how I'm feeling because maybe some of you are feeling the same way. Or who knows, maybe this will shut down the website after posting. It's interesting though because when I feel like this and break down - without any of you knowing - I usually get an email from one of you the next day about how much this website has changed your life (usually it's telling us it has changed your entire family!) so it's definitely worth all the work I put into it even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

Take this post however you want. Maybe you'll love me. Maybe you'll hate me. I'm not sure and I don't really care either way. I've never been a "people pleaser" which is why this industry is so hard for me. The fitness industry is so far from who as I am as a person. It's a HUGE struggle for me. It might not sound like it is or should be, but believe me...it is. I just don't want this post to be taken the wrong way but there are some important things that we should all think about (me included) before we post something on social media.

I'll say it:

Getting "into" fitness was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me.

You probably already gathered that I struggle with this from previous articles, like mine on body image, etc. However, there's more to the story than that. I've possibly covered all of these in previous posts but I feel the need to put them together in this post.

The fitness industry has changed A TON since I became "interested" and I hate it. There, I said it. I have a feeling I'm not the only person who feels this way.

Selfies. Every single day. Every single day. Did you change that much overnight? Oh you had abs yesterday and you have them again today? Great! Sure, you'll see the people who think selfies are great because you post them when you "feel beautiful" - which I understand but to me that's a slippery slope. Yes, you should ALWAYS feel beautiful in your own way but there's no need to post half naked pictures (or even clothed) pictures of yourself all the time.

There's a difference in a social media account that posts weekly or monthly progress pictures. I love progress and I love people who are comfortable and confident in their own skin. Posting when you are proud of yourself or if you catch your muscle in the mirror is different from posting pictures of yourself every single day. Again, I don't want this to come across the wrong way but what are WE looking for when we post? Are we searching for approval or validation? Why do we feel the need to post every single part of our body online? Why do we feel the need to post a picture every single time we go to the gym? I hear you - sometimes it's a form of accountability but if you are doing this and months later you still aren't closer to YOUR goals and haven't improved YOUR life then maybe you should spend less time documenting everything and more time exploring what life really means to you.

If a social media account has a ton of selfies and nothing of value, I won't follow it. I want you to add value to my life. I am trading precious time on social media so seeing your chest hanging out (while trying to make it look accidental), bending completely over so we can see your "hamstrings" (YES, I've seen this. They had an emoji sticker over their bottom.)...is a waste of my time.

Show me what you do, the places you visit (OUTSIDE of the gym), the people you impact, and the life you have created or are creating.

Does this sound mean? Probably to some of you but it's how I feel.

The title (social MEdia and the fitness industry) might sound odd coming from me considering many of you found this website on social media but it's how I've felt for a long time. I am making a generalization and, as with anything else, there are people and companies that I absolutely love in the industry but as a whole it's just not what I'm about.

Everything that I see is all about that person. Look at ME. Don't you want to look like ME. Buy MY stuff. Sponsor ME. Be like ME.

Buy, buy, buy. You see beauty bloggers and fitness bloggers doing "hauls" where they just buy a bunch of stuff and now they are going to tell you about it so you can do the same. I'm sure this is the minimalist and frugal part of me coming out but I can't stand this big push to have people keep buying stuff.

Full Disclaimer: Yes, we have sponsored posts and we sell workout plans and eBooks, which are our main source of revenue and allow me to continue to build the website, but those are things we believe in and I don't feel like they clutter up lives. I'm pretty sure that you don't need your 10th tube of mascara or 25th bottle of "fat burning miracle supplement". Stop the glorification of stuff.

There doesn't seem to be any unity and everyone is always putting each other down. Everyones way is the best and if you don't do it their way you are wrong. You have to eat clean, be a vegan, be a vegetarian, paleo, IIFYM, the list goes on and on. Why can't we just eat, drink and be happy?! Why can't we eat healthy, have treats in moderation, drink our water and our wine if we please? WHY do we even spend this much time thinking about food and fitness?

SERIOUSLY, you have to understand that there is more to life than counting calories, macros, points, running, lifting, etc, etc, etc. Of course I think we should all strive to live healthy lives, which in my opinion means that your numbers come back okay from your doctor, blood work, etc. This DOES NOT mean that you need to be a size 2. This does not mean that you need to "get rid of your muffin top" (when you are already healthy). This does not mean that you need to "lose the last 5-10 pounds". This does not mean that you need to get abs so you can also post them on social media. This does not mean that you need to obsessively track your food and/or workouts. This does not mean that you need to run six miles a day. This does not mean that you need to "work off" that "bad" meal that you ate.

Please understand that we are only here for a short amount of time. Do not spend each waking moment thinking about food and exercise.

Ask yourself...if it weren't for social media would you spend time obsessively working out or spend 40 minutes trying to get that one perfect picture? Or ask yourself that of the accounts you follow. What exactly are they promoting?

Then you have people who post pictures and/or updates about what they do or don't do but they do the opposite. You see these beautiful bowls of food where it looks like they have ice cream on top of ice cream with a million Oreos and topped with hot chocolate fudge. Do you ever stop to think that it's probably one or two Oreos? Did you ever stop to think that maybe they can stop at just two Oreos and not eat the whole bag? You can't - that's okay. You don't have to make all of your meals beautiful and filled with junk just to post a picture on social media.

So let's just say you eat healthy 80% of the time, exercise 4-6 days per week, have healthy relationships...pat yourself on the back. You are doing enough. Stop trying to keep up with other people. Stop scrolling through social media to be motivated. Become your own motivation.

If you spend more time focused on other peoples lives and not enough focused on improving your own, you are using social media for the wrong reasons.

I know this sounds choppy, just like all the other posts where I basically rant and let you know 100% how I feel but it's just because I'm torn. It's just like we've created this perfect little life that we are supposed to have through social media. It's hard for the everyday person. It allows for comparison to another level - like the digital version of "keeping up with the Joneses". I just see and know there is so much pain from this. It just hurts me for the people who think they can't ever live up to others - whether it's body image, lifestyle, etc. Just be you!

I digress. I feel like it's a battle we are never going to win. It's been going on forever. It's the celebrity culture that I've always hated. If you are a mom just stop to think about what you are teaching your children, because I'm sure they are watching...just like they do when you weigh yourself, talk down to yourself, etc. Do you want them to equate their self worth with how many followers and/or likes they get on social media? I don't have kids but my heart just hurts for the little girls (and boys - they aren't immune either!) who grow up on social media.

P.S. We address social media on our 4th episode of WHAM Podcast!